Malo tist`ga malo tega…. ODHOD V ŠPANIJO

I’m packing and moving again. I must tell you that now this is quite often pattern in last year. Should be used by now, but it’s always new discovery and takes lots of effort.

This time I’m again moving to abroad (why again, I will explain later). Must admit that I have really too much stuff, all the small stuff that I want to take with me, but I have limit 20 kg luggage and 10 kg hand baggage. And this is quite a lot for small little me.  I can’t believe how I cling to small “crap”, just for sake of the memories. Now room is totally messy and it makes me quite irritated. Although I want to keep it “reasonably” in order it’s really one big mess with 2 piles. In one pile are things to go home and on the other is “going with me” pile.  Don’t even ask me how I move around.

On Saturday I collected all stuff together, deciding what will go with me and what not. Actually it’s not that exhausting physically as it is mentally. I was having rollercoaster of memories and emotions.  It was quite reflection of my last year.  And then I sat down and looked the photos from the time that I moved to Spain for Erasmus exchange. I remember every small detail like it was yesterday. Remember that I was scared and excited like now and then dragging my luggage in Barcelona nearly killed me (not that it was that dangerous, but it was that heavy).

Than for some reason I started to remember how scared and lonely I was at first. I didn’t know anybody and big city got my insecurity. I got really nervous and everything felt so dramatic and oversized (especially looking at my luggage).

I notice later on, this feeling comes always just a week before leaving (I had it before I moved to Spain, trip to Mexico and Asia). Although I still didn’t (and still don’t) completely realize that I’m going, it’s slowly sinking in.

Just a week before leaving I get really nervous, because you are not quite sure how it’s going to be. I know it’s going to be ok and looking on the past experience I’m incredible lucky person. I would say that the week before is like in some house song, when the music is down and you expected to erupt again.

It’s quite irritating because in your mind you are all there, but your body is still here and everybody is saying goodbye like is for good (seriously,  people could you lay off the drama). Well I would say it is time in between. Not really there and not really here. I was almost there in self-pity and making me the biggest martyr after Jesus. In some strange way I loved (for a minute) that feeling and then I felt really terrified and, well strange!  I decided I don’t like this feeling that I’m in and I don’t enjoy it so I made a switch.

I’m using this technique for quite some time and I really love it. You really sink in to emotions (doesn’t matter if its anger, sadness, jealousy). You are really there. Then you experienced fully and then you let it go. It’s quite hard to explain. It surely it makes my life really easier. Key role here are 3 questions:

1. Do I feel good with this emotion?

2. Can I do anything to change situation? (Can I know what awaits me in the future?)

3. Am I losing my focus? What is my focus?

After answering these questions with just plain yes and no it’s like in “Jonny Nash song:  I Can See Clearly Now”. It’s not easy in the beginning. I’m not offering you easy solution. Oh no definitive not, there is lots of scooping around and investigating yourself. Especially you need to be honest and except the facts.  I find that this technique cost me less energy than any other.

Ok let me give you example I think you will understand better. So I was scared what will future bring for me:

“Do I feel good with this fear?”

“No.”. It makes me paralyzed and with any emotions.

“Can I actually affect what awaits me?”

“Not really. But I can’t predict the future”

“Do I lose my focus?

“Yes, because I know what is important for me now? (alias me)”

And there you go having the Jonny Nash song feeling. If you don’t just practice little more, otherwise find other technique that works for you (it’s you that is important in the end).

Now I need to go.

Future bright and packing awaits me.

I’ haven’t been writing lately. To tell you honestly I didn’t had anything clever to say. In my case it’s just better if you stay quiet than to blabber something. I wanted to write something I would be proud of not just something because I haven’t been writing for a long time (that what you (and I) deserve).

The reason for not writing is also that I had different topic, one that occupy my mind now is management and business word and on the other hand I wanted to write emotional and poetic. To these two things just couldn’t go together. For that reason I created another blog: Mosaic, this is purely focused on management, organization, socialization, adventures, ideas-innovation and culture. This one is more formal and not so much of meaning of life.

Lacking the topics and anything to say (I mean with conclusion) I was torn. People were asking me when I will post another blog and some of them expose my flaws.  Then I realize that my actions are noticed. I didn’t respond to good to critics I was thinking to quit and say “why do I even bother”.

It’s not easy to write, I tell you that. If you thing that words come in one passionate writing you are wrong. It’s really hard work.  First you need to find a topic, than you find the words and phrases, than you need to keep an eye that you actually make sense.  Than the meaning of life kick in and the moral statement what you wanted to say. Yes lots of work. Especially when you give something yours to outside word that people can make judgment on it. That means you need to be vulnerable and prepared to stand behind what you are.

I tried to quit and say I don’t care, but the writing was stronger. The words and phrases were like volcano, just pouring out. I tried to postpone every day (with excused well I’m tired, I need to jog…) until today when I woke up at 4.00 am I knew it was time.

I realized also that being exposed and vulnerable is what makes me- ME. That means that I need to be prepared for the feedback and actually let people see what I think about and what is in my life. That also means that I need to accept my flaws and my strengths. Being vulnerable makes me also stronger. After realizing that and my writing passion haven’t been gone I knew I will write some more.

I don’t promise you that I’m the best (of the best of the best sir, MIB); I don’t promise you writing with any grammatical errors. No sir, I’m horrible sometimes, so congratulation that you get this far (and still reading) and that you actually get my point what I was trying to say.

I’m promising you just pure me. So that you need to take me as am. If you don’t like it, that’s fine by me. That’s your problem. I need to be faithful to myself and keep my path.  I live for myself and I need to make myself happy. That’s how I can make people around me pleased. I’m not saying that I don’t need you, because you gave me energy and feedback so I can evolve.

I wish people would accept themselves more, and not being so focused on other people and but then again who am I to judge. I need to keep my energy and focused what is really important. That is me my love ones.

So I will continue being vulnerable and exposed, that’s how I like it. And for all of you who are reading this THANK YOU.

This week my friend asked me a question about my blog and I simple couldn’t find an answer. She asked me why I am writing a blog. Well to tell you the truth I have no answer and with this post probably I won’t discover any hot water as we Slovenian like to say it (this means not discovered something new), but maybe I will found out a bit of the truth.

This question was pounding in my head all week and I was trying to figure it out the answer, but all I had was some corny some unreadable sentences. By the Wednesday I had a title, but still no right answer. And I couldn’t answer either, why blog? Am I being just ego and craving for attention, or is this something that I need to do?

Today I was totally lazy I admit, I was just about to go to thinking mode of self pity “well I can’t change the planet, why do I even bother and who am I kindling and similar crap like that”, but I said to myself: “This is enough, go out”, this self-pity behavior didn’t take me anywhere before, so I need to brake vicious circle.

I went jogging, while jogging for a 1h.20 min (if you had a sense that I’m bragging, you are right), and with my run I discovered quite few answers to the questions above. There are few pure passions that I’m constantly passionate about. Normally things come and go ( I call them phases).  First thing is writing and the other one I discovered just few years ago is jogging (how I came to that I will explain some other time).

With jogging I discovered brand new world, when you have illusion that you can do everything. Lately I’m back in the shape that I go beyond my body and current situation. So its kind feeling that your mind is up in the air and its floating  I would say probably like meditation with body moving. So you don’t feel your body anymore nor hear the music. This last just a few minutes than the music changes or something draws your attention and you are back on Earth.

I have million things in my head, sometimes I feel like my thoughts are fast train from Japan, constant engine seeking for the answers. I don’t end one thinking process I seek answer to another theme. Sometimes even my friends and family have difficulty to understand me. But with jogging I seek to answers and find my peace and some answers. I’m always to egger to new knowledge and I feel like sponge, absorbing all the knowledge and trying to find some peace in my mind. With new knowledge I feel meaningful and that I’m doing something.  Then I think that I have to little time to learn all things and the peace doesn’t lie there, but in yourself (but enought on this topic).

So let’s go back to writing and how I connect one and other. I remember when I was little girl I was playing that I’m famous writer/journalist and travel all around the world. I had big dream how I be famous writer and so on, then I went to elementary school. There I found difficult to read stuff and that you need to do your homework, that I didn’t like. I prefer to be outside,  playing.

One day we needed to write an essay. “Nice” I thought to myself,” now is the opportunity to shine”. So I wrote down a fiction story and I was sure that the result would be great. To my surprise I got back negative.

Damn, how could it be? Well my teacher told me that I have too fast mind and didn’t put any punctuation mark, but otherwise the story was good. I was upset and the doubt got me. Then came several similar occasions and failures and I decide to put my passion away. I decided  to listen to others,  they must be right, they are more experienced.  So till this day my writing was a secret lover.  I tried to write, but every time I did that, my doubt came to surface. There were like evil tongs whispering to my ears: “oh, come on Evelina, give it up, don’t you see how many books are there in the library. And they went on.” What new are you going to write?”

Every time I wrote a page or two and I gave up, although I never stop writing in my head and I have several notes and short stories. Hard to explain. Probably I sound little crazy right now, but I have enough now, and I want to do what I want to do.

So I begin writing and then quit again and try to convince myself that I can live without writing that I need to forget it. But it came back like old lover and never totally forgot it. I always went green of envious with combination with admiration when I came across some writes. I could spit green of envious of all that people that work as writer at Lonely Planet.

When I wrote my thesis another critic came from my mentor. He clearly said to my face that I have no talent for writing. At that time I felt like somebody hit me with metal stick on the head and then put ice cold water on me. This came from professor I had respected him deeply. Yes I’m writing in past tense.

Today during my jogging I was thing about purpose of my writing and I thought to myself it’s stupid to quit something that you are passionate about just because somebody has opinion on it.

I thought to myself why do I care what he said or anybody? Who knows me better that me? I’m here 26 years and always with myself, so I know the changes and I know what I want.

So why would allow some old cynic “fart” to influence on my life. Well yes, he is more experience and he can give opinion, but the truth I decide what I want and what I’m capable of.

There you have an answer. I write because I need to write, if somebody is reading and likes is that nice too. If you give opinion and critic I will take it, but I never make the same mistake again and put aside my passion and deny it.

If I decide to quit it will because I decide that, not because of my doubts.

Lately this word crosses my path quite often. So I find myself pondering around it. What self discipline actually means? Can we learn to be self disciplined?

Not so long time ago my boss told me that I need to put in order my table, so I don’t keep anything on the table when I leave work. So first it seems to be mission impossible but I was determined to make a difference. I think the easy way if you say: “Well I’m what I’m and buhuhu I can’t change”.  In my opinion that’s just loads (and please excuse my expression) of bullshit!

“ I am what I want to be!”

See this is difference! What do I want to be? If I don’t see value in this than we can’t actually talk about the progress and we are doomed to failure. And then we all proud going and proving: “See told you , I can’t change….I’m what I’m”. Wrong , you didn’t want to change.

I took challenge of “order in my office”. To tell you the truth I loved. I found papers all was nice and clean and if my boss asked me something I had answer prepared in sec. Maybe was also all the knowledge of management and different organization tips (alias time management). This was skill that I was admiring long time, but I was stuck to my “well I’m just messy” and hated it.

Well I admit it wasn’t easy in beginning and was struggling with temptation “oh, just leave it, I will deal and put in order later”. Sometimes I gave in, but normally I stick to my plan.

All nice and clean at office. I found discipline in work and I tried to implement it at home. I just can’t find a system to keep order in closets. I was all brave and put order several times. I thought this time will defiantly work. Later I disappointed discover that is still A MESS!! Well I must admit I can see small difference, but I would love to upgrade it and polish my new technique. I am always stacked at mediocre and not at level that I want. I’m not whining don’t get me wrong, I’m nearly observing current situation and trying to figure out solution.

Today I was cleaning and try to manage the system and simultaneously I played with time management. So I wrote down the task and goals and I proudly I need to say I complete them all. I’m tired as hell, but I fill satisfied that I didn’t gave up. I guess have motivation in myself. And I’m convinced that I want to change.

Yesterday evening I was preparing this “so called article” and I wanted some firm evidence and knowledge where self-discipline comes from. My wiki dictionary has simple and clarify explanation that self discipline is:  “Control of oneself, willpower”. This connects me to latest post of Paulo Coelho and his tale of his Zen master.

The tale goes, that young confident archer, who won national contest and wanted to be the best so he challenged old Zen master, to compete. Old man took the challenge and invite young guy to small wobble bridge in the mountains. Master aim straight in to his target and then it was young man turn. Terrified as he gazed down at the abyss below his feet, the young man went to the spot and fired, but his arrow veered wide of the mark.

Zen master said: You may have great skill with the instrument you choose for your livelihood, but it us useless, if you cannot command the mind which uses that instrument.”

You see we come back to our will. We do things that we want, if we don’t want. Only our mind need to be trained.

So I made decision and made a plan. “Piece of cake” you would say, until your self-doubt comes along, than you postpone and delay what seems to be your mission. So what happens next?

I don’t believe in New Year’s promises and crap like that, but coincidently or not I have fallen in the same trap. Due to my work I needed to present employees, how to manage time and this was inevitable connected with goal setting. Wanted or not, I stared pondering on my life and ask myself what do I really want? It gave me clear answer. So I took a decision to finally move towards my plan and goals.  It seems really easy at first, you take decision. Then you are all “Can we build it? Yes we can!!” all fire up and ready to fly.

This time I was putting my time and goal settings in to practice. With practice help of this blog (of course in Slovene) http://www.feedblitz.com/f/?FBLike=http://www.blazkos.com/napacne-predpostavke.php (blaž kos) I found information of time boxing, which I’m still using. I love this blog. I find it so pure and expressing exactly what I’m feeling and thinking that and learning more. I admit I’m kind of jealous that he is writing so good, but the same time grateful that he is actually posting so I can make new ideas and learn some more.

I was reading on time boxing, well all nice and well, I made plan with set goals, determine timeline and everything. For the first time I put it on the paper so its official record. Normally I had plans only in my head, where I could move them as I like.  This time I was sick and tired of doing this, I took responsibility to act on it. I’m old enough, so it is time to stop acting like baby. Well admit seeing my plans on paper was kind of scary, they are not small, but then again I’m using my 5% of brains, so hell I don’t know what I’m capable of (sound kind psychotic).

This time I didn’t tell anybody about my plans, I’m keeping mysterious. Maybe you will find it funny, but I’m superstitious woman and believe or not every time I put my plan on “big bell” at some point they go sour. Maybe this believe it’s stupid or maybe they were just stupid plans (well actually unreal), but I remain determine to keep it as secret and with small steps go to my plan. This way I avoid unnecessarily questions and explications (just to protect myself if I fail).  After everything was set to go I had a feeling I could fly and nothing could stop me. Until yesterday. Yesterday in just a small bit of second a thought came to my mind: “What if I don’t succeed”. I tried to delete the thought, but it was still there, like small worm rooted in my mind.

I tried to manage some work, but more or less I was postponing. Postponing is one of lethal action in your life, specialy concerning your plan. Psychologist says that we postpone or delay things because of our fear (failure or some other reason) or we underestimate task (that we are going to it in really short time).  That is so true, because I was talking about my plans with my friends, but rarely I took a chance and act on in consciously and responsible way.

This way I could talk about my “big” plans forever and not actually do anything, so not facing failure. How wrong was I!! This way my life was always on hold and specially lovely I could present myself as the “victim of the system” and complain. I realize now that that was not fair for me, neither to my friends.

I strongly believe that everything changes and develops. Funny I strongly realized yesterday. Yesterday I was on event that I used to work for, it was my favorite event, but due to circumstances our paths split and I went on to new adventures.

Last year I went to visit it again and it was painful for me to see result that they achieve without me. This meant I’m dispensable.

This year I visit again. After hard and productive day at my work I really felt fulfilled and happy with my mission, so I came there and everything looked the same. Same concept, same team. I felt misplaced and relieve that I could advance and meet other opportunities. Maybe they changed, but in my eyes they still were the same.

Here I go with everything happens for a reason. But admit it is so true. Teacher will show when the student is ready and there are some things you simply only can understand with time.  I strongly feel I will succeed with my mission. If not I will be like 50CENT I will be “die trying”. I prefer to try it, risk it and not live in safe zone. In safe cotton zone I don’t feel feelings and I don’t live my life. There is just soft. I prefer to explore and if I don’t succeed to say well heck I tried.

Not trying would slowly kill me making me bitter and boring adult.  So I prefer to be kid and keep on hoping for better world.

There were so many times that I tried to write, and then I saw blinking cursor on the screen and made me nervous. All the nice toughs and lines that I had in my head they just disappeared and when I tried to write them in Slovenian it  sounded corny, pathetic and well unreadable. I sounded like from old Slovenian movie, when they said something, than camera zoomed on them and there was awkward moment of silence.

Now I think I was just using wrong language. So maybe my “working”-writing language is English, it defiantly goes smoother and doesn’t sound so dramatic and soap opera style. For this I defiantly blame American film industry and globalization. Maybe I should  ask myself of psychologic nature of writing in foreign language, but for now I’m just glad I can write. Will I have stupid irritating grammatical error? Hack yeah! Remember I’m from eastern Europe, but then again all you so called native English are sometimes ever worse.

Speaking about Eastern Europe, well I suppose I will have stigma for all my life. I really hate this stigma, but I guess at some point in my life I have to except it. So yesterday I was sitting relaxed in so-called movies. I went to see Spanish (well Argentinean) movie. I saw that movie before in summer, but it was in Argentinean slang, so therefore at some point I didn’t understand un carajo* (damn, shit) what were they saying. Yesterday I had opportunity to see it again with my ex-spanish class.

There I was in small cinema with maybe 60 seats, or maybe less. I came alone because I wanted to have this all for myself. I went second row just when I was just about to sit one woman shout at me.

“I remember you!!”, she said really loud (for my taste too loud) so all the people stared at me.

Probably I was like dear that hits the headlights.  I wanted to say: “ Well don’t know who the f**k are you, and I don’t remember you” , but I didn’t. I said “aha” and sit.

After a while I started to chat with Asian looking Spanish. He was exchange student, quite strange looking fella, really gay and spoiled. I tried to find some mutual points, but the more I tried, the more we discovered that we simply just don’t have the chemistry.

And then he said it: “ you know I thought its going to be cheaper” and I don’t know.” I stared at him and steam came from my ears “What the hell?”, I thought to myself. The conversation was applying in direction that he didn’t expect that we are developed and stuff like that. I got angry, but I didn’t show it.

After the movies I went home and realized that more than half the world: don’t know where is our country, that half of them (that they heard about Slovenia) thinks that we are close to Russia. That is always cold in our place, that we still have socialize and stuff like that!!!”

And I thought I need  promote more Slovenia, I need to do more that people recognize Slovenia, that they don’t give it a stigma. I had the whole mission in my head, but then I realize or stereotype that will never go away people will know Slovenia only if they visit it or be interested in. Stigma will always stay, but I guess we all nation has a stigma ( Germans beer, English are drunks), we are just nation that you never heard about it, but that exist (if you look closely) ….

Again, I let my blinking cursor screen. I want to write with passion, without regret and analyze my thoughts. I want to write down my words for a long time wandering around in my head. I want a record of passion. Already too long delayed this record, to say the word too long shifts and emotions that I feel. With a record or imposition of any words somehow become etched. There is no way back, the only possible way forward. Of course, I’m also angry because sometimes record is not exactly what I imagined and sometimes easy to become emotional kitsch.

So a new year, a new promises, great goals and the fear of new …. This is always what I feel in the New Year. First and second with me January is always a time somehow melancholy, expectations, brainstorming what I want in the new year, but I remember everything I experienced in the previous year and people which surrounded me. Year 2010, I have to thank for the invaluable moments that were sometimes difficult and painful but often but beautiful, full of love. I have to thank my family, that this is what it is, above all thanks to my sister who always brings me to the real ground and understands me, of course, the same is true for my mom. Sometimes too aware of what actually does the word family. Over the years, more and more aware.

Thanks and much gratitude I feel to my friends, because they take me as I am, understand me, share with me all my trauma and doubts and joys and happiness. Of course, it is a big part of my gratitude to my love. Love that changed my life and I placed it on its head. Love, which I expected and I was blown away the clouds and further, that always knows what to say, that pleases me with love and small joys that make me sparkle in his eyes.  Several times I forget what I have and do not realize how lucky I am really and  than I complain about little things, the big worry with fears of the future and stupid questions just because it is very frightening to be simply happy. Every time I am honestly happy that there is doubt, fear and, as a snake intertwined with my thoughts. Then the ice of fear, I ask whether you really deserve this? Is life really can be beautiful? Mar may live in the illusion? Perhaps, I should worry about something? And the brain as tiny motor hums nonstop. Never goes out. But over the years, I note that this nonstup buzz is trying. And just want peace in  heart and without undue worry. I want to be a stronger awareness that some things have no effect and that can only impact with his energy. If I was imbued with fear, this concern will happen, because I lifted it to life.

Every time beautiful things happened I felt like I need to be cautious and ask first, how long it will last, instead of gratefully accepted it and enjoyed it. Somehow I know that all problems i know  they will passed, but I forget that happiness is here to stay. I love to feel life, to take all this gives me nice. Sometimes I remember and review my photos. Then I feel incredibly gratefulness for all traveling, people that and changed my life and of course exchange program that gave my life new dimension. So thank you my firends for patyies that i will never forget, traveling, hours for strolling , for everything. True for all, because I it leed me to this moment that im am now and I will drift even further. To new dimensions.  I will therefore cease to control of my life and  say to myself  that in my life come beautiful things and to thank my beloved to me by and I they don’t forget me.

La vita e bella y gracias! <3 <3 <3 Amor viene con amor … ..

Spet pustim, da kazalček utripa po mojem ekranu. Želim pisati s strastjo, brez obžalovanja in analiziranja mojih misli. Želim zapisati moje besede, ki jih že dolgo vlačim po moji glavi. Želim zapis iz strasti.  Že predolgo odlašam ta zapis, predolgo prelagam povedati besede in čustva, ki jih čutim. Z zapisom ali izrekom besede nekako vse postane vgravirano. Ni poti nazaj, je le možna pot naprej. Seveda, pa sem tudi jezna, ker včasih zapis ni točno tisto, kar sem se zamislila in enostavno včasih postane čustveni kič.

Torej novo leto, strašne obljube, veliki cilji in strah pred novim….To je vedno kaj občutim z novim letom. Prvega in drugega januarja je pri meni vedno čas nekako melanholije, pričakovanja, brainstorminga, kaj si želim v novem letu. Pri tem pa se spomnim vsega, kar sem doživela v letu prej in ljudi kateri so me obdajali. Letu 2010 se moram zahvaliti za neprecenljive trenutke, ki so bili včasih težki in boleči toda večkrat lepi, polni ljubezni. Zahvaliti se moram moji družini, da je to kar je, predvsem gre zahvala moji sestri, ki me vedno spravi na realna tla in me razume, seveda enako velja za mamo. Včasih se premalo zavedam, kaj dejansko pomeni beseda družina. Z leti se čedalje bolj zavedam.

Zahvala in veliko hvaležnost pa čutim, do mojih prijateljev, ker me sprejmejo tako kot sem, me razumejo, delijo z mano vse moje travme in dvome ter veselje in srečo. Seveda, pa je velik del moje hvaležnosti namenjen moji ljubezni. Ljubezni, ki mi je spremenila življenje in mi ga postavila na glavo. Ljubezni, ki je nisem pričakovala in me je odnesla nad oblake in še naprej, ki vedno ve kaj mora reči, ki me razveseljuje z ljubeznijo in drobnimi radostmi, ki mi dajejo iskrice v oči.

Večkrat pozabim, kaj imam in se ne zavedam, kakšno srečo pravzaprav imam, zato se pritožujem zaradi malenkosti, se obremenjujem s velikimi strahovi prihodnosti ter neumnimi dvomi samo zato, ker je zelo zastrašujoče biti preprosto srečen. Vsakič, ko sem iskreno srečna, pride tisti dvom, strah in se kot kača prepletajo z mojimi mislimi. Takrat zledenim od strahu, se vprašam ali si res zaslužim to? Ali je življenje res lahko lepo? Mar morda živim v iluzijah? Morda, bi me moralo skrbeti nekaj? In možgani kot droben motorček nonstop brni. Nikoli ne ugasne. A z leti ugotavljam, da me ta motorček utruja.Želim končno en mir v srcu in brez nepotrebnih skrbi. Želim se močnejšega zavedanja, da na nekatere stvari nimam vpliva in da lahko samo vplivam s svojo energijo. Če sem prežeta s strahom, se bo ta skrb zgodila, ker jo bom preklicala v življenje.

Vsakič, ko se mi zgodijo lepe stvari, sem do njih nezaupljiva in se prvo vprašam, koliko časa bodo trajale, namesto, da bi jih hvaležno sprejela in jih uživala. Nekako vem, da vse težave bodo prešle, toda premalo se zavedam, da sem tu da živim. Da čutim življenje, da sprejmem vse lepo kar mi daje.  Včasih se spomnim in pregledam moje slike. Takrat začutim neverjetno hvaležnost, za vsa potovanja, za izmenjavo, ki mi je spremenila življenje in mi dalo novo dimenzijo. Za nove kraje, za vse žure, za pohajkovanja s prijatelji, za vse. Res za vse, ker me je pripeljalo do te točke, kjer sem in me bo odneslo še dlje. V nove razsežnosti.

Zato bom nehala kontrolirati življenje z mojo logiko, si rekla da v moje življenje prihajajo lepe stvari in se zahvalila mojim ljubljenim, da so mi ob strani in me ne pozabijo.

La vita e bella y gracias!! <3<3<3 Amor viene con amor…..

Spet kovček na moji postelji. Spet pakiram. Odhajam. V mojem srcu je mešanica veselja in grenke žalosti. Nočem spakirati, a nočem niti ostati. Srce se boji. Zmedena stojim v sobi in misli se podijo po moji glavi in imajo svoje življenje.

Vdihnem zrak in ga zadržim. Rečem si, vse bo še dobro. Prav sem se odločila. A vendar znova je na vidiku sloves. Sovražim slovese, ker naredijo vse še bolj dramatično. Zapravljam čas, podaljšujem sloves. Sedim za mizo, iščem besede, da bi se počutila bolj mirno. A vendar nemir me razjeda, kakor kislina razjeda kovino.

Kje je moja pozitivna energija? Počutim se kot deklica izgubljena, kot rdeča kapica v gozdu. Tiger v kletki postaja nemiren. Želi ven, želi si življenja. A strah se me oklepa, kakor kletka.

Vdihnem in z izdihom slike v postanejo bolj jasne. Strah se odmika. Naderem strah, da naj me že enkrat pusti pri miru, naj izgine, da ga nočem videti več.

Strah, kot ljubimec postava v sobi in sklanja glavo. »Pojdi že!!«, kričim, »Tu mi delaš samo zdraho! Oviraš me pri življenju. Najino razmerje naj se konča, zdaj! Ne vidim prihodnost z vami g. Strah! Ne želim živeti v strahu! Želim življenje s strastjo, pozitivno energijo in ljubeznijo. Za vas g. Strah ni prostora. Utrujaš me, mi srkaš energijo.  Pojdi in vzemi svoje dvome s seboj! Pojdi vrata so ti odprta!

Gospod Strah, skloni glavo in postava po sobi. Ne reče nič. Ne upam si dihati. Upam, da bo šel, da mojo dušo končno zajame mir in ljubezen.  Strah se napoti k vratom, seže na kljuko a ne reče nič. Nekaj časa stoji, držeč se za kljuko. Gledam ga z upanjem, da bo odprl vrata in odšel. Samozavestno ga pogledam in čakam. Zdaj ni niti kančka dvoma v meni. Čas slovesa je prišel. Gospod Strah odpre vrata in odide. V srce se mi naseli mir! Skačem po sobi od veselja in pričakovanja.

Odšel je!!! Odšel je. Bitko sem zmagala. Vem, da le bitka, toda vem, da je napredek in, da naju čaka še cela vojna. A vendar bitka je moja, sladka zmaga, kakor se kot sladki med preteka v mojih ustih.

Nekdo potrka na moja vrata. »Vstopi prosim«, rečem. Vstopi ženska lepa kot vila. Marelična svilena obleka zašumi in plapola okrog njenega trupa. Vitka postava z košatimi temnimi valovitimi lasmi in krasnim belim nasmehom stopi proti meni. Nasmehne se mi in počutim se znova kakor mala deklica, ki ji hodi mama nasproti. Ljubezen me napolni. Ženska vrže košate lase nazaj na hrbet in seže s snežno belo roko proti meni. Roko položi na mojo ramo. » Končno si me spustila, k sebi! Čakala sem te, veš.«

» Vem«, odvrnem. Zdaj je pravi čas, da si vstopila v moje življenje. Od tega trenutka dalje, ti ne bom zapirala vrat pred tabo. Vem, da si z mano za vedno. Ne bojim se več!« Hvala.

Sonce posveti v sobo. Svež poletni veter, prinese vonj po sivki in zrelih marelicah. Ljubezen je tu. Tiger je miren. Leži in mežika v sonce.

Kovček je na moji postelji. Ne zgleda več grozeče in ni napolnjen s strahom. Pomaknem ga proti vratom in se nasmehnem. Da, prav sem se odločila. Čas je za življenje z ljubeznijo!

Življenje prinese vse ob pravem času. Sedaj imam končno čas za pisanje in razmišljanje, kar ga v dobrih dveh mesecih sploh nisem imela.  V teh 2 mesecih sem se počutila, kot robot, robot, ki ne razmišlja in ga pelje življenje samo. Robot ne čuti, robot, ki ne ljubi. Vstajala sem zjutraj in se odpravila na delo, pozabila na moje sanje, odrezala mojo ljubezen in se posvetila delu. Bila sem sužnja kapitalizma. A vendar se mi je zdelo smiselno. Počutila sem se koristno v kletki. Sedaj so me spustili na svobodo. Kaj je svoboda? Kako naj miška v kletki ve, kaj je svoboda, če pozna le kletko.

Tišina v stanovanju me dela nemirno in želim se premakniti, toda moje noge ne znajo izbrati poti. Pa vendar vem, da bom stopila korak za korakom v smer kamor si želim. A sedaj ostajam tu in pišem. Želim pisati, si razgaliti dušo na belo platno. Pustiti pečat, postati nesmrtna in neminljiva. A vendar mine vse, tudi jaz. Zato vem, da je pravi čas, da se prepustim iluziji nesmrtnosti in živim življenje.

Pred časom me je prijatelj vprašal: » Kaj si želiš v življenju?« Ostala sem brez besed, možgani so se mi zdeli, kot belo platno. Nisem vedela nič. Nisem čutila nič. Čez čas sem mu namenila diplomatski odgovor, kakor na službenem intervjuju. Potem, ko sem ostala sama je vprašanje še vedno vrtalo po meni in odmevala v mojih mislih, kakor odmev v gorah: » Kaj si želiš v življenju, ….kaj si želiš v življenju… kaj si želiš?!«

Dobro službo, je prva stvar, ki mi pade na pamet. Službo, v kateri se bom počutila svobodno, kreativno, kjer se bodo dopolnjevale moje ideje. Službo v kateri bom želela ostati, kjer bom lahko izživljala moj smisel življenja. Službo, po kateri imaš čas za privat življenje, za hobije, za ljubezen, za tek…

Druga stvar, ki mi pade na pamet je kakopak ljubezen. A se mi zdi, da jo že imam, želim si le, da bi trajala. Drugače ljubezen imam. Ljubezen do svojih prijateljev, kateri mi stojijo ob strani in sem jim neznansko hvaležna, da me sprejmejo tako kot sem. Včasih se mi zdi, da se potopim v velik val ljubezni in hvaležnosti, samo zato ker so oni tu z menoj.

Zdravje tudi imam.

Denar? Denar pride in gre. Je z namenom tu da kroži…

Torej, kaj si želim še? Imam Ljubezen, imam Zdravje, imam telo s katerim se znam premikati, imam možgane, ki mi dajo rešitve.

Želim si le, da bi to trajalo, da nikoli ne postanem dolgočasni odrasel in neham sanjati, neham potovati in se vdam v usodo. Želim si potovati, odkrivati novih poti, se sončiti na peklenskem soncu, se vzpenjati v gore, plavati v oceanu. Brati dobre knjige, preživeti večer v dvoje z dobrim kozarcem vina in gledati sončni zahod. Želim nesmrtno ljubezen in prijateljstvo.  Želim si poslušati dobri jazz ali glasbo na odprtem. Želim si družabnih igric s prijatelji. Želim kuhati novih jedi in preizkušati nove možnosti. Želim si obirati grozdje v jeseni. Želim potovati v tuje države, se naučti novih jezikov. Želim, da španščina ostane z mano in da jo nikoli ne izgubim. Želim odpreti svoje podjetje, nekoč. Želim si peljati z gliserjem, želim si uživati v adrenalinskih športih, želim si skočiti s padalom.  Želim se učiti, novega znanja. Želim biti strokovnjak na področju (marketinga). Želim si, da bi lahko dajala naprej nasvete prijateljem, želim biti ob strani mojim prijateljem. Želim, si ljubezen, ki mi bo stala ob strani, želim si zgraditi svoje majhno kraljestvo.  Želim si pisati, želim slikati, želim uživati v umetnosti, glasbi in bellezi. Želim živeti življenje…

Sedaj vem, kaj si želim in to tudi delam!

La vida esta para vivirla!